I’ve been on both sides of the pendulum, I see you

I struggled through these things for years. There was a time of such toxic productivity in my life that I would feel like I’d conquered Everest if I got a mere 6 hours of sleep. My average was 4-5. I had no hobbies except watching the same 3 shows over and over again. I had absolutely no idea who I was outside of my work. My worth was tied to my work, my accomplishments, my grades, and my standing in school. At the end of almost three years of this cycle, the demands decreased, I did not have as much work and I had no clue what to do with the extra time. So at first, I chose to go beyond above and beyond, to an unhealthy degree. I was trying to do everything more effectively, more efficiently. And I do mean everything. I once looked up strategies to shower faster because I wanted to be more productive. I tell you! I had no idea what true rest was, even less so how to implement it, and I didn’t know I had permission to! 

After some time, I refocused all of this energy I had been putting on simple productivity and placed it on self-improvement. From the frying pan to the fire. I was constantly trying to fix myself. At the same time, I was so burned outthat I constantly felt unproductive, like I wasn’t measuring up or wasn’t good enough. I entered this other cycle of procrastinating until the last minute, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, trying to tackle it all, somehow get it done mostly to my satisfaction, and then repeat. It was exhausting, absolutely exhausting. 

But then…

Within the past six years, I began to learn and research healthy productivity, which is inseparable from rest.

I went to therapy which addressed some of the mindsets I had surrounding my self-perception and worth.

I learned to detach my identity from my work and accomplishments. 

I learned about grace, began to receive it, and learned how to also extend it to myself.

I learned about the gift that rest is. 

I learned it is not only a necessity but our birthright.

I learned about the many forms rest can take, and how to implement it.

I became consciously aware of my values in general and as they relate to work, and began to prioritize them relentlessly.

I began to mentally give up control of what was not within my control.

I began to address the things in my upbringing and past that led to unhealthy behaviors and habits around productivity and rest.

I began to discover and rediscover the things I love to do.

I began to make time to engage in hobbies and creativity.

I began to view the beauty in this world, the beauty in art.

I began to learn who I am, deep down, who I was created to be.

I began to love that person and let me be myself, even as I learn and grow.